My Egg Noodles

Although I used to live in a very similar Village in North East Thailand, I didn’t do any write ups like this detailing the quirky stuff that living in Essarn entails. For those that haven’t visited North East Thailand, hopefully the following notes I jotted down on a small pad throughout the night will give you a little insight into what’s life is like in a rural Village located on the Thai/Laos boarder.

We set off from our hotel to make the 50km journey to my girlfriend’s rural village where she grew up, and where her parents still live. I’ll be spending the night here for the first time. On the way we stopped of at a big Tesco’s supermarket in order to buy goods needed to make a Thai Green Curry and some Pork that will end up on a BBQ in a spicy home made rub.

Driving along the motorway, a mosquito flew into my eye. This is the second time this has happened to me this week – so annoying.

30 or so minutes later we arrive at the village, it’s already dark and the stars are shinning bright above. It’s been a while since I’ve seen stars, so while riding the motorbike down a dirt road; I try to admire how beautiful they are.

As we drive up to the entrance to my missus pad, or should I say hut, I notice my dog Fuji going crazy at the sight of me and my girlfriend. After greeting the family, I sit down to prepare the marinade that will soak into the Pork for an hour or so while the missus prepares the curry. Nothing fancy: some Oyster sauce, fresh chili, garlic, salt and sugar. I’m hoping it’s going to be an improvement from the last time I cooked here, where I fucked up big time: a peanut sauce that didn’t look, or taste, like peanut sauce.

My missus old man walks in, we greet and it’s not long before he inspects my injures from my recent motorbike accident. I haven’t visited since then as I’ve been staying at the hotel working. He’s voice starts to rise when he finds out that I haven’t taken any medication: I still haven’t figured out why Thai’s have the need to take chemicals whenever they have the smallest of problems. Unless I get a nice warm buzz from meds, I’m fine without. He continues to go off on one, calling me stupid. I feel awkward. I really want to tell him that I’m 26 and old enough to make my own decisions. I decide against it and nod.

Outside the hut 2 dogs and barking like mad. The old man has tied them up with steel rods as they have hid his shoes once again. He leaves them at the bottom of the ladder leading up into the hut. I feel sorry for the dogs, but understand it’s not my place to get involved.

By now the green curry is coming along nicely, filling the air with a sweet, spicy, coconut-y smell.

During our trip to Tesco, I had bought 2 bottles of wine. The cheapest bottle on the shelf at 159b and the most expensive at 259b – The former produced in Thailand and the later produced in France. As I pull to get the cork out of the cheap bottle, I stretch one of my wounds on my hand caused from the motorbike accident – It hurts like hell but with the old man looking at me, I hide the pain not wanting to give him any satisfaction. The wine doesn’t taste like wine, not like any wine I’ve had in the past anyway. It’s awlfull. I should have known better. My girlfriend suggests giving the Thai wine to her auntie who apparently likes a drop. That suits me down to the grand as I now don’t feel guilty about opening the other bottle. Drinking it out of a plastic cup, it’s not that bad – I’d class it as cheap table wine. At least I now have something drinkable that will make me nice and numb for the night ahead.
I go over to check on the missus, as expected, she has everything under control. Tonight, the feast will consist of BBQ Pork, a papaya salad, a bamboo salad, corn on the cobs and the Thai Green Curry.

I go outside with a cigarette in one hand and my cup of wine in the other. Traditional Essarn music is blearing aloud from a hut down the street – this is normal in essarn, even though it’s now 10pm

I’ve now polished two thirds of the bottle and I’ve got a nice buzz going on. At this rate, the auntie won’t get to sample the horrid Thai wine.

The dog is fast asleep, the old man is nowhere to be seen and my missus and her mum are busy adding the finishing touches to the food. If I was 30 years older, this would be heaven.

I start to reflect on the day, my business, my campaigns and what emails I’ve received since I left the hotel. Even though I could have bought my notebook with me, I do realize creativity runs twice the speed when I’m not chatting or responding to emails.

I go outside to have a piss – My girlfriend’s place is one of the unlucky ones in the village as there’s no hole in the ground – it’s a matter of finding a bush that you feel comfortable with and going for it – whether you plan to do a number one or a number two. While I’m letting lose, I try not to think about what is on the grass that is brushing up against my ankles.

Dinner is ready – thank fuck – I’m starving. The food is laid out in the middle of the floor, and everyone sits around and helps themselves – one bite at a time. As expected, the chicken curry is spot on, the bbq pork in the marinade I made is excellent and the corn on the cob tastes just like a corn on the cob.

As I’m standing outside having another cigarette a guy comes out of nowhere with a rifle strapped to his back. We greet and I soon discover he’s out on his nightly rounds hunting for snakes which he’ll eat with his family, or sell if he gets lucky and captures more than 2. As I’m talking to him, he’s gun is now in his hand and I notice the tip is pointing towards my neck – No form of safety here. I’ve already been shot when I was living in London, with a pellet gun mind you. Wanting to get out of the guns range and not wanting to make a fuss, I head back inside the hut.

A tall guy, which is unusual for Thai’s, enters the hut and is shocked a foreigner is sitting there watching TV. I later find out he’s name is Dom and is a friend of my girlfriends old man. I offer him some wine, which he seems to like and it isn’t long before we finish the Thai red over conversation. Dom is an interesting guy. We talked about the usual: Where I’m from, why I’m in Thailand, football and what I do for work. He asks me if I can teach him internet marketing: I say sure, just learn how to use a PC first. He laughs every time I speak Essarn – using the few sentences I’ve mastered over the last week. As he leaves, I shake his hand, which I can tell means a lot to him.

As Dom leaves, my missus turns around and tells me it’s time to go – We are about to return the motorbike to her auntie as she has something planned for 4am – This is the reason I’m staying in my missus village.

As we walk back along the dirt road, dogs are running and barking at us. My misuss had the bright idea of bringing our dog Fuji with us. The dogs are huge, and I feel myself picking up pace.

After watching a bit of TV I head into the make-shift bedroom – I can see they have made an effort to accommodate me. Inside a mosquito there is a bed cover on the floor, 2 pillows, a blanket and a fan on high speed.

At 5 or was it 6, I am woken up by chickens and rain hitting the steel roof. I decline 2nd helpings of Thai Green Curry which everyone is munching on and give me missus “the eye” that says “Let’s get home so I can get a nice hot shower and an expresso”